Monday, November 23, 2015

A Weird Week

This is during the week of hospital visits. I don't have many photos, it was hard to even think of taking pictures. I would visit the hospital every morning while someone watched the boys and then later in the evenings I would trade off with Jason. It was so emotionally draining and hard to watched because there was absolutely nothing we could do.
We didn't tell the boys much, just that Gram was sick at the hospital but she said hello to them. We never took them over to visit, she was just in too bad of a condition to take them and I think it would have freaked them out to see her like that. We tried to be happy and optimistic about the whole thing.
A bright moment, I found money in the laundry.
The boys were so wonderful and a good distraction for me. I just wanted to hug them all the time.
Davis kept wanting to wear Lola's hat she left over.
Outside time. The weather was actually really nice for that time of year.
A face only a mother could love.
I love watching them play together.
Random gardening tools in the pantry. I have no idea how that happened.
Bottle time. Oh how I miss it.
Making and freezing tons of sausage and egg sandwiches for Levi. Many times cereal just doesn't do it for that kid. He just keeps growing.
Davis trying to play scientist.
It was a crazy week with all the hospital visits. Jason still went to work but would visit when he could in the evenings and at night. This one day he came in the back door and it happened to be where all the boys were and the second he walked in Levi started talking telling him about something. Then Max chimed in excitedly. Seeing his older brothers chatting away Davis then began to 'talk' to Jason. It was hilarious and Jason just kept smiling and nodding at them and we both laughed and laughed.

They all just have a lot of important things to say to their pops.

Life Will Never Be The Same

It is amazing how much life can change in such a short amount of time. Just over two weeks ago our lives were as they had always been, just normal family life.

On a Friday night just over two weeks ago we noticed my grandma was not herself. She was a little more tired than usual and some of the things she was saying just wasn't making sense. Everyone in the house had had many colds for several weeks and she had gotten a bug. The day before I took her temperature and it was normal, just seemed like a cough like the rest of us had.

The Saturday morning before we knew we needed to check to make sure she was ok just because of what happened the night before. We (Jason mostly because I was doing a couple of other errands and he was around the house) tried to check on her but she kept sleeping and sleeping. Eventually when it was almost 1 Jason decided to wake her up and when he did she was not coherent for almost 45 minutes. The stuff she was saying just wasn't making sense so we called my mom who came over. I headed off to a dentist appointment and while I gone the doctor was called and told them to go to the emergency room. So off my grandma, Jason and mom went while I watched the boys. They were gone till late that night (they left around 4). The doctors said she had pnemonia. That night she stayed in ICU while they worked on getting blood pressure and oxygen levels more stable before they could take her to the upstairs floors.

Sunday my mom stayed with my grandma while we went to church. We were all a little worried because a number of things just didn't look so good. During RS my mom sent out a text something about seeing gram sooner rather than later which freaked us (ok, maybe just me) out. So we had the boys go home with a really good friend of ours and had Davis take a nap at our house while our regular babysitter stayed with him. I just wanted him to get a good nap at home. Then Jason and I were off.

When we got there we stayed and visited. Her oxygen was really low and heart rate up a bit high. We stayed for a few then let her rest, she mostly seemed very tired.

Then it was a whirlwind week worth of hospital visits. I visited every morning, mom during lunch, Jason or I again right after work and then someone in the evening. There were so many ups and downs it is all a big blurr. I didn't sleep much during this time because we were worried. Some visits were better than others. On Thursday was a really good one, she was extremely tired but I could understand what she was saying and her levels were all improving.

Even though they got oxygen up and heart rate down she really wasn't improving. They moved her on a bipap machine which helps you breathe, basically it helps you breathe. That was Friday. Because we all thought things were getting better I sent Jason off on a overnight scout trip not expecting him to be back later Saturday night.

Saturday mom, Scarlett and I had planned on going to visit a rehab facility because all of us were so hopeful she would get better and she could go there then come back home. But as we gathered at my moms house (Marissa watched the boys, I had so many amazing people helping me with my kids so I could be on hospital duty) she got a call from the doctor who said things were not looking good. We ditched out plans and headed off for the hospital.

She had an oxygen mask on and was absolutely miserable. She kept asking why was she still here and how she wanted to go see Grampy and Bobby. She has been saying many of these things all week but I was still hopeful because honestly she's mentioned things like that numerous times in our past 6 years living with her. We talked to the doctors and things were getting serious.

I ended up picking up my boys then taking them to Monte and Cheryls house for the afternoon/evening and made my way back to the hospital. My mom and sister had left for a bit as well so my grandma could sleep a little. I remember sitting in the van that Saturday evening in the hospital parking lot and I just couldn't stop bawling. I texted Jason even though I knew he probably would't be home for a while. Luckily he had just gotten home and asked what I needed and I told him I needed him to come with me to visit her. He took a quick shower (I'm sure he had that camp stink on him) and rushed over.

When we visited her together she told Jason over and over again that she wanted to go and to help her go. I didn't know what to do so I just held her hand while Jason got talking to nurses. Long story short things were definitely not looking good. While they could do some things for her (like put in a feeding tube and such) she probably only really would have had a week or so if that. One of the things we talked about was comfort care which meant taking her off all the tubes and stuff and just making her as comfortable as possible. It was an extremely had decision but we knew that it was what was needed.

Tubes came out and she finally got to eat and drink (on her breathing machine they couldn't give her food also they were afraid she would choke). She got her favorite drink a ginger ale, some ice cream. They gave her some morphine to ease pain. After all that Mom and I got to be in her room with her for an hour or so while we talked and joked around. I told them how Max swore and the funny things they'd done that week. For that hour it was like things were as they always been though we all knew they would never be the same again.

We knew that after the decision to do comfort care was made that it could be a couple of hours or in some cases a couple days, though if it was days it could be very hard to watch.

At around 12:30 or so I decided to leave. It was extremely hard to do because I knew that I might never see her alive again. I was extremely exhausted because I hadn't slept much, only 3 hours for the past couple nights and also I wanted to make sure that Monte and Cheryl could go home, though I knew they would stay as long as we needed. Gram had also HATED the though of people standing around her just staring and that's kind of what we were doing. Jason and I had agreed that he would stay because he is the strong one in those situations and I knew my mom needed him. Gram needed him. I made him promise he would hold her hand and not let her be alone. The drive home was hard and I really did want to be with her but at the same time I don't think I could have handled it emotionally.

I made it home, got kids cloths together because I was planning on having a friend take the boys to church and going back to the hospital. Took a quick shower, which I hadn't done in days and somehow fell asleep. Around 4am Jason came in and told me she passed away peacefully holding both their hands. Part of me was happy because it wasn't anything long or drawn out but sad because it is a very sad thing. It took me a good long while to get back to sleep but eventually I did because I was completely worn out.

In the morning we decided to have Davis go with a friend while we kept the boys home to talk to them about what happened.

Later that day people started coming over. I knew my mom went home to get as much sleep as she could because she had also not gotten much sleep. It was a very somber day. The house was weird without her in it. We sat and talked did some joking around because that's just what we do and honestly what Gram would do in that situation. I'm sure she would tell us to lighen up and stop being sad and live our lives. She never did like somberness in any occasion, even a death. The boys all helped with this, they are a great distraction.

Then Monday came and for me planning began, I was in full 'party planning' mode getting things organized. It was a very much needed distraction. Even with the distractions the house felt empty, different. Downstairs was quiet. Usually she blairs the tv from the time she wakes up to go to sleep. I found myself starting to go downstaris to tell her we were headed off because that is what I always tried to do when I knew there wouldn't be anyone in the house for a while. I would try to be extra quiet late at night putting away dishes because the kitchen is right above her room. Things were just weird. And again all that planning was a good distraction and it's something I think I do fairly well and wanted to do for my mom since I knew she was working for the next week and had enough on her plate.

Plans were made. We ended up doing the funeral a week later so Aunt Katie could come down. She is in the middle of a play so we either had two days to plan it or a week. So we chose the week.

Yesterday everyone came, the Whites, Aunt Sharon, Katie and all the other local family members. It has been a whirlwind 24 hours. The funeral was beautiful and so many wonderful things were shared. I didn't get up to talk or sing as with my grandpas because I just can't handle that.

Life will never be the same again.

Honestly there is a part of me that's happy and a part that's sad. I am happy she no longer has the limitations her body had given her especially after Grampy passed away. While she tried to be happy and cheerful she hated being in a wheelchair. She hated that her daughter and grandchildren had to take care of her like we did at times taking care of her in ways that were totally embarrassing to her. But I am sad because she will not be here. Yes taking care of her was hard work and I'll admit it I did complain sometimes but when someone is gone it really puts things into perspective. I will miss her. She was so good and kind to my boys. Yes she gave them lots of junk food and let them watch more TV than I would have liked but does that matter? Max loved hiding under her bed and waking her up in the morning and she loved to pretend she didn't see him. She told him stories of her childhood and her kids as they grew up.  With Levi she loved talking about what books he was reading and currently got in many talks about greek gods, myths and legends. They were both so good and kind to her helping her and running errand for her multiple times a day. Davis loved being downstairs with her and would try to sneak down every time he saw the gate open. When he did he would promptly go to her room and pull down one particular low hanging picture. He would check to see if any snacks were low enough for the taking or if there was anything of interest on her sewing desk. And of course he loved all her grabbers.

Saturday nights the boys watch Globe Trekkers with the grandmas and on Sundays it was AFV.

Again. Life will not ever be the same again.

Library Date and The Hospital

Always, always on the table.
Or in a box,
or in the fireplace,
or a window.
Levi and I went off on a date night and like usual that meant library time!
For some reason he REALLY wanted to go to the top floor because something was up there but the books he wanted were really in a different place downstairs.
Then we got ice cream.
Surrounded by my peeps in my snuggle sweater. 
Down the street we have been watching as they have been working on setting up a new doughnut shop that I had promised we'd go to and it finally opened! So good and 10 donuts holes for $1.
Plus bacon maple ones. We got a dozen to bring home for Gram and Jason who loved them.
Davis was being so silly wanting to kiss his brothers but when I go to ask nothing.
Look what Jason got me at a sample sale!!!!
Watching Tom and Jerry. Seriously cartoons are no where near as funny as they used to be.
A pouting toddle man. So sad. Can you tell he's the baby?
But he bounces back pretty quick.
I was getting ready for my singing time and going through my bag I found this. Isn't it cute? It is a baptism and the different steps done by Max. Seriously, that kid warms my heart .
And of course next page monsters and battle scenes.
Dishes for days.
So this begins a big long story and the reason why I have been so behind blogging because it's just been hard to write and go through it all again but it has to be done so I'll do it bit by bit.

On Friday night Mom had been over as usual to help out with Gram. Gram had a cold and hadn't been feeling well and was just not acting like herself. Earlier in the day I went and got her some meds as well as a thermometer. She was a bit warm but we figured she was just not feeling well trying to get over the cold.

The next day I went off to do some things in the morning while Jason was home with the boys. By the time I got back Gram still had not woken up so just before noon Jason went and woke her. When she woke up he said she was just not acting normal and completely out of it. She was like that for over a half hour so we called my mom who headed over. Normally she doesn't come over until Saturday evening so she can get other stuff done.

Mom came and her and Jason had a pow wow while I watched the boys. They called her doctor and he recommended going to the hospital. So off they went and they were there the rest of the day until well after the boys were in bed. They left her in good care at the hospital and came home late with pizza saying the doctors had put Gram on some meds that would help her and give her more oxygen (she hadn't been getting enough)
Sunday came. Jason, the boys and I went off to church and mom went to the hospital to check on Gram. (Max with more baptism pics)
During the second hour we had received a few texts from my mom who said things did no look good and she was extremely worried. So I kind of freaked out about the whole thing once I got the text in RS and rushed out. Luckily I have a number of good friends who knew what was going on, followed me and immediately offered to take the boys straight from church so we could go to the hospital. So Jason and I left the boys with them to take to their house and went off to the hospital and began one of the hardest weeks of my life.